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Thanksgiving: What is there to be thankful for in divorce?
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Nov 20, 2009 - 3:58 PM

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks but for a newly divorced or divorcing person that is a very tough call. How to be thankful when your kids are with your ex for the annual feast? How to be thankful when you are filled with regret, resentment and sadness? How to pinpoint the hidden gifts in your divorce when you are feeling so badly? Gratitude is a powerful tool even when you might feel there is nothing for which to be grateful.

“ It’s the little things in our lives that we cease to notice that are capable of turning our perspective on life around” says Shelley Stile, certified Divorce recovery Coach and the author of the book, 95 Transformational Tips for Letting Go and Moving On After Your Divorce.

Stile is not suggesting some sort of Pollyanna-ish attitude but rather to stop and take a look at what might be good about life now versus what is bad; what might be right about life right now versus what is wrong. Looking through a lens of impossibility and life is hard will color your entire existence. To put it another way, when you are looking at everything that is wrong, you will surely find it everywhere.

Stile suggests that if you are hard pressed to be grateful try looking beyond yourself. Thanksgiving is a perfect time to head down to a local soup kitchen and volunteer to help feed the homeless. “It doesn’t take more than a few minutes to see how truly blessed you are in life when you are working with people who are hungry and destitute.” These are the little things, which are in essence huge, that we seem to forget.

Gratitude also has some proven positive ramifications for those of us who are undergoing tough times. In a study by Robert Emmons of UC/Davis, he reports the following conclusions: Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality, optimism and lower levels of depression and stress.

Gratitude and giving back are just a few of the many skills and tools that allow divorced people to let go and move on in life. Stile has identified nearly 100 tips that can guide one through the emotional divorce that must accompany a legal one. Concepts such as accepting the true nature of life, managing unenforceable expectations, claiming full responsibility for one’s life, not making divorce mean more than it does and recognizing the many new possibilities and opportunities that are now available are examples of the things that we can do to recover from a divorce.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author based in Montclair, New Jersey. In addition to her private practice, Shelley leads workshops and tele-seminars on divorce recovery and has taught at the Adult Schools of Montclair and Chatham, NJ as well as leading workshops at the Center for Women in Livingston, NJ

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